INSIDE TUMI'S THOUGHTS: I'M SCARED...

LOVE, LIFE AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN.

I'm scared...

I'm scared of becoming a stranger to myself. Of waking up one day and realising that the version of me I spent years protecting has quietly disappeared. Sometimes I wonder if people notice how much of themselves they leave behind in places they once called home. A laugh that no longer sounds the same. A softness that slowly hardens. A heart that learns to keep its doors locked long after the danger has passed. I am afraid of losing pieces of myself and never noticing they are gone.

I'm scared...

I'm scared of being known. Not the kind of knowing that comes from conversations over drinks or exchanging stories at midnight. I mean the kind of knowing that reaches beneath every carefully rehearsed answer and touches the truth. The kind that notices when my smile arrives a second too late. The kind that can hear the sadness hidden inside my jokes. Something is terrifying about being seen clearly when you have spent so long learning how to hide.

I'm scared...

I'm scared of hope. Hope has always arrived dressed as something beautiful. It knocks politely before settling into the empty spaces I swore I would never open again. It teaches me to imagine futures I have no control over. It convinces me to believe in things I cannot guarantee. And when hope leaves, it rarely takes its footprints with it. It leaves evidence everywhere.

I guess it's true when they say "it's the hope that kills"

I'm scared...

I'm scared of needing someone. Independence is a lonely kind of pride, but at least it is familiar. Depending on someone means trusting that they will stay when leaving would be easier. It means allowing their voice to become part of your peace. It means letting their absence become capable of ruining your day. I tell myself I do not need anyone, yet there are moments when I secretly wish someone would prove me wrong.

I'm scared...

I'm scared of repeating old stories. The ones that begin with sincerity and end with silence. The ones where I give everything I have because loving halfway has never been something I understand. I remember what it felt like to offer my whole heart only to watch it be treated like it was ordinary. I remember questioning my worth because someone else could not see it. I remember convincing myself that maybe I was simply too much, too intense, too willing to care.

I'm scared...

I'm scared of what happens if I stop being scared. Fear has become such a permanent resident that I do not know who I would be without it. Sometimes it feels safer to run before anything can break. Safer to disappear before someone gets close enough to leave a mark. Safer to reject happiness than risk watching it walk away. I am tired of fear, but fear has convinced me that it is protecting me. The cruellest part is that I no longer know whether it is guarding my heart or keeping it imprisoned.

I'm scared...

I'm scared of falling in love. Not because I do not believe in it, but because I do. I believe in it so deeply that the possibility of losing it feels unbearable. I am scared of loving someone enough to memorise the language of their eyes. Scared of trusting the truth hidden behind their words. Scared of wanting a future that includes someone else's name beside mine. Scared of hurting them and myself. Scared of discovering that I deserve the kind of love I have spent months writing about, only to convince myself it was meant for everyone but me. Yet despite all of that, I still want it. I want to love someone gently and completely. I want to nurture them, protect them, and choose them every day. I want to look into their eyes and know what their heart is trying to say before their lips ever speak. I want a love honest enough to survive doubt, distance, fear, and time. Maybe that is the contradiction I have been carrying all along. I am scared of falling in love, but I am even more scared of spending my life running from love.